yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
