i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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