i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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