Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
