Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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