i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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