i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
