Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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