birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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