Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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