Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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