i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
