I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
