I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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