my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
