someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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