Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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