thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
