i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i will never coherently bang her
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
