the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
