yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
