I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
