ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
