No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
