Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
