Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
