I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
