im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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