I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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