shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Damn victory sex feels great
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
