my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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