I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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