I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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