I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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