I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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