Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
