Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
