3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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