Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
