One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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