just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
