I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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