She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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