I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
