every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
