there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
