You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
