I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
