I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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