there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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