The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
As shirtless as possible
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
